This One's for the Single Moms

There's all kinds of moms in this world and we need them all. Don't get me wrong, there's a lot of mom's who have partners and are still doing it on their own. Whether their partners work away or are just not "there", that happens. But today, I had such a beautiful day - brunching with my son and some other moms and then spending the afternoon eating and singing and dancing with Onyx's grandparents. I put my babe to bed and did a yoga routine followed by a nidra and something struck me. It's time to simply own this fact: I'm a single mom. And it's hard sometimes. So here I am writing:

This One's for the Single Moms

I know what it feels like to do it all
to wake in the morning
to the sound of crying
bringing the little one into bed
but their little eyes won't close again
trying with all your might
to muster up the clarity to start the day
letting the sleepiness ooze away
there's no one to start the coffee, but you
so you rise

after getting the little one changed, 
loved, 
fed, 
and watered
you finally sit down
no, who am I kidding
you stand
you stand over the sink
maybe at the table
and wolf down three bites
maybe the eggs got cold
the toast got burnt
the yogurt has a film
you wash it down with cold coffee
or cold tea
the heat just isn't really there
that's motherhood

you feel a tug at your leg
he needs you
so you say, "I'll wait until nap time to eat"
and you move on
only when nap time comes
you're so exhausted
you fall on the bed, stomach growling
or your yoga mat instead
"The empty stomach helps prana move" 
you know this is what someone said
I mean it does
but when you feel you may starve
it doesn't help you drop in very far
primal instinct kicks in
eat or be eaten
time to eat

for the record
I consider myself - and every mother - a superhero on the days where I actually sit
at the same time as my child
feeling like this is totally wild
to eat a hot meal
you just kind of feel
like a rock star
that takes talent
that deserves celebration
don't forget it

every nap you get them down for
there's a happy dance that follows
don't forget it

now I moved out on my own with an infant
when he was 4 months old
and he's had maybe 10 sleepovers in that time
so that's a lot of nights
where it's all me
where i'm it
the buck stops here

i'm alone and unsure
listening to the crying
or listening to the silence
am i doing this right?
am i doing this wrong?

now please don't get me wrong
i'm not lonely
but alone
when you're lying on the floor
in front of your baby's door
praying that he'll fall asleep
laying in a heap
you dream of a moment
when a partner could be there
one tender moment
where someone looks you in the eyes
an adult moment
and says YES
you're doing it right

i think the hardest moment
for the single ones
is when you crawl into bed
at 3 a.m. 
you can rock it all day long
but when there's no break
there's no adult time
night time feedings is when the doubt moves in
you're exhausted
no energy to move
and you hear the sound of the cry
it rises like a wave washing over your head
and your weary body
won't rise any more
and you think
somewhere out there
there's a partner
saying, "Here honey, let me take this one."

Now I know this doesn't happen all over
I know many coupled situations where it doesn't happen at all
but there's that line
being said
somewhere
"here honey, 
let me take this one"

let me take this one
giving you one chance
one chance to shower
one diaper you don't have to change
one meal you don't have to cook
one load of laundry you don't have to fold
it just takes one
one small break
one tiny chance
to feel nourished
supported
and restored

again don't get me wrong
i'm happy
i'm resilient
i made it to a year
i'm the lucky one here
i have help
i have family i can call
i have friends who love my son
but there are those nights
the nights that 3 a.m. comes
and the cry washes over me
rousing me from a deep sleep
and i can hear
"here honey, let me take this one"
in my dreams

the amazing thing is
my body always rises
moms are incredible
resilient
and devoted
so tuned in
i often wake up seconds before the baby
there will never be a night where we don't rise
but having that one break
that could mean it all

this isn't a boo hoo
or a rally cry for help
this is reality
sometimes partners come and go
in all sorts of ways
but it still takes a village

so look around this mother's day
is there someone you could give that one break too?
just one diaper
one meal
one nap?

because this one?
it's for the single moms

i hear you
i see you
i am you

i didn't want to own that before
but today i am
i'm a single mom

it's not sad
it's not bad
it just is

i have a supportive co-parent
whom i love
i have supportive family and friends
whom i am grateful for everyday
but ultimately
i am owning this today
i'm a single mom
and this ones
for the single moms