I'll remember

One day when I'm old and gray, I'll remember the sweet precious few years where you smelled of brand new baby and sour milk. Where you looked at me with a glint in your eyes, your little cheeks coming to round into that smile, that would melt my heart like warm butter on toast. I'll remember the way the sound of you sucking on your soother changed as I put you into your carseat, and made fake kissy sounds to make you smile. Or those moments where the sound of your laugh changed, and turned from baby to mischievous little boy. I'll remember the moments of frustration at not being able to crawl or at your clamouring at my breast to eat. The way you played with my skin, my side, my arm as you drank from me, little fingers roving and pinching and pulling. I'll remember the way my heart would burst when you slept soundly in my arms or on my chest, and then how that changed as you got more mobile, wriggling around and wanting to explore every part of my face with your hands. I'll remember the sound of your fake cough as you realized you could bring mom running and your utter joy in your little laugh when I was silly or goofy, or the way you breathed into my ear when we were close. The heaven I would feel with each little sacred sigh.

We have spent so many moments, my child, just you and I. Connecting, talking, gazing into each others eyes. Whispering, I chose you, and, thank you, silently as we breathe. I'll remember the sound of you finding your voice, yelling, testing it out and how it jarred me, to hear this loud sound from such a little boy. That I realized I was used to being alone and you broke this silence. You connected me to earth, to my roots. 

To watch you come into the human experience has been one of the most awe-inspiring times of my life. I'll remember these times forever, my baby boy. Some days my heart stretches so large that it spills out of my eyes for the sheer gratitude for these moments. For these quiet days, spent walking, you on my chest, or in your stroller, me supporting your head, then your body, together pondering nature, or you sleeping. These days, when I am your body for you. Your nourishment. Your world. And you, you are my greatest teacher and my strongest inspiration. 

If I ever had to leave you, which I know I won't until your children are here, and perhaps even their children, it would all be okay, because we have said all of the things we need too with our eyes. No words needed. Our love has already moved mountains within us, our souls bonded for life.

Being a MommaTamara M